19/10/13

We all grow up.
We all get to that age where we start to fall for someone we think is special, usually about the same time that our
skin is breaking out and we are only a few steps away from turning 16 or 17, your hair is a mess and you don’t really
have any sense of style but alas you are going through what is a universal growing pain. Falling for some pretty girl or
boy that you really only fancy for their looks and maybe because you share a deep passion for morrissey and how much his
lyrics touch you and relate to you and your mid teen life crisis. Maybe you will start to talk and get to know each other
and maybe you will have little cute dates like you do at this age where neither of you really know what you are doing but
you sure as hell like to think you do, eventually she might kiss you and something wonderful might be started right there.

More then not though what occurs at this spiraling age of teenage against and heartbreak is just that.
You most likely had your first fleeting attraction stomp on your little precious and ever so fragile teen heart,
leaving you in utter shambles and a mess for what may last for up to 3 weeks before you move onto the next girl to even
glance at you briefly in an English class. For the mean time though you don’t know this and you certainly are not aware
that within a few weeks or maybe even days everything you are feeling for the first time will go away, All this sudden
sadness and loneliness you feel for someone you barely knew or to be honest barely cared about in the grand scheme of things
will all go away. It’s all very relate-able to another famous and universal experience that we go through as teenagers witch
goes by a name we all know to well: The dreaded first Hangover. You think you;re going to die and you begin to regret
everything you ever did in the last 24 hours all whilst trying to stay on your feet but alas you come to accept that this
is a battle that can’t be one and you lay down and embrace what is surely to be you painful and heart wrenching death.

Then you wake up and everything is fine.

I remember the first time a girl got me down and i had my existential heart broken, I was the same age as most others are
when it happens and i went through the motions that we all do. Nothing special and nothing noteworthy to share, that
being said there is one thing that came across my mind today from it all. I remember my not so caring mother at the time
taking care of poor little jack and his broken heart after school on the day of the tragic and unspeakable event.
She said something to me witch i hadn’t heard before because it really was an adult concept, a phrase and bit of advice
that i think we all learn around this age from different people or maybe from culture itself, a bit of advice that really
gets a lot of us through our adult relationship dramas and heartbreaks still.

Moving on is the hardest part.

It’s a beautifully simple notion that suggests to the person that you’re piecing back together that they have to move on,
they don’t have a choice really when you put it that way. Moving on is the hardest part but you have to do it and it starts
now. As a young boy this really did strike a note with me, maybe because my mum didn’t really give out that much good advice
or maybe just because it worked and it kicked my brain into gear that moving on from these follies of the heart is the only
way to deal with the sudden heartbreak, regardless of our age. I grew up and moved on from the girl who showed me the power
of heartbreak and i went on to date other girls as a teenager and go through more heartbreak and did the same to others.
Through out it all that little bit of obvious advice helped, Things don’t last forever and we all move on eventually.
So just move on and get the hard part out of the way so you can work your way back to being yourself.

What my mother had told me was true and more surprisingly she was right about something.
Alas though she left something out that i didn’t figure out till nearly 5 years later, something that i wish she had told
me at the same time but that i understand why she maybe didn’t.

The hardest thing isn’t moving on.
The hardest thing isn’t even getting your heart broken for the first or for the 100th time, im going to put it out there
that the hardest part doesn’t even have anything to do with being left or lead on or even falling for someone who doesn’t
care that you even exists. The hardest part is is realizing that maybe the person you fell for isn’t who you thought.

Maybe you were wrong.

This didn’t hit me till today, at 20 years old. I was sitting with a girl who has me feeling incredible and she was with her
girlfriends and they said somethings that i didn’t expect, nothing offensive but just some things about this girl that had
me thinking. I realized that maybe i shouldn’t be chasing her. I realized that for the last 2 months every time this girl has
looked at me in the eye my heart has dropped and my mouth has zipped shut out of sheer fear. Not of her but of how perfect
she is and of how wonderful she has me feeling just by being in a room with me.
No one else has me silent, questioning every thought that pops into my head. No one else’s opinion matters.

I was blinded by her perfection.
I didnt even question it or consider that maybe the reason she just isnt that into me is because she isnt the girl i
thoght she was, maybe I need to just leqave it alone for my own sake.

It really brought me down. I wasnt sad or anything, I really wasnt; I just felt sort of empty because I knew that the
best thing for me was to do exactly what my mother once told me at 16. Just move on.

It was just a harder realization this time round because I had lost someone in a different way.
They wernt leaving me because i was too depressed or running away because they didnt know what to do, i wasnt going
to lose her because i said something stupid that scared her off. Instead i was going to lose someone because maybe they
just were never there.

I was blinded by perfection.

You’ll never feel what your parents did.

Today whilst sitting at my desk, Bright glowing screen in front of me filled with a thousand and one distractions all
of witch are fueled by this sudden anxiety we all seem to feel, this fear of being alone for more then a second.
This fear that if we close our eyes and just take a step back we will fall away from everything that supports us but at
the same time tears us apart. If it wasn’t yet already enough to have this magical box of people in front of me i also need
to have my other hand preoccupied with the exact same notions. A tennis match of a conversation between people who mostly
don’t really care for or about you but are just needed a void filled for the next 3 hours or at the dreaded time that it is.
3am and we all get lonely.

What dawned upon me was the a simple enough question but yet still one that never popped into my head prior.
Can I even comprehend what it would be like to chase or fall for someone without social media?
I’m not sure why the idea came into my head, I could be to do with a certain girl I’m currently quite smitten for or maybe
it was a my brain trying to resolve its own struggle by presenting a notion to myself that just might snap me
out of what ever unsettling mindset i was in at the time. Regardless to why it came to me it did and it really stopped
dead in my track, sucking me away from the people i was distracting my lonely self with and the emails i was sending.

Can our generation even imagine what it was like for our parents when they met someone they liked or had that chance
encounter with a stranger who took their breath away? it’s a wonderful thing how connected we all are these days but
you’re a fool to think it doesn’t have its burdens. I never thought about what my mother may have done when she was only
20 years old, my age and went to that party where she got stood up by her date only to meet my father. The y would have
gone through the same primal social rituals we do today i suppose, discovering who each other are and allowing the
alcohol they were drinking to do most of the talking but then what? what happened after the party when they lights go out
and the sun started to rise. Each of them going their separate ways but both still thinking of each other and hopefully
of how soon they could see each other next. I’m not ashamed to say that if I meet someone who grabs my attention I go
through the same dreadful social media steps that we all do. You get you stalk on to be crass.

You exchange facebooks, instagrams, twitters, snapchats, tumblrs, myspace even if you for some odd reason are still on there.
you ravage their online presence and try to learn as much about them as you can before even talking to them next.
we flood our small and overly excited brains with every crumb of detail we can find about them online. Who’ve they dated?
what do they listen to? what do they do for a living? Are they stable? Do they seem to be over their ex? are they even single?
they funny? you start going through their photos, searching for some magical image i think that we hope will either decide for
us whether or not they make the grade and standard that you seem to have for a person you just met. It’s all a bit like
shopping for a new tv, it’s as if we have saved up our pennies for 6 months and we need to make sure that that the first one
we see is good enough within 24 hours and if not we can just move along to the next one. Everyone does it, you’re a liar
if you say you haven’t.

you begin to talk to them on every avenue possible and start up something, I don’t even know why you;re talking to them at
all to be honest because at this stage of second engagement you already no more about them then their own grandmother does.
you begin to speak this very modern interpretation of the English language, filled with small yellow faces winking at each
other and blowing tiny pixelated kisses. adding letters to words for no other reason to show your excitement for themmmmmmmmm.
as you talk each night and the time rolls on later and later until the only light that graves your faces it the artificial moon
that is your keyboard you begin to go deeper with this person and exchange stories of how you’re really feeling.
and surely enough you’ve entered and begun rhis relationship in a way that has not only speed up the proccess of getting
to know someone but lets you grow closer to them ironically so far apart.

What happened that night my mum went home? She couldn’t lay in bed and go through my dads instagram looking to see if he was
as attractive as she remembered, she couldn’t go to his facebook and see how he speaks to others or even browse through
his thoughts as he posts them for the world to see. Instead she must have just laid there, think of him and the spark that
she felt as she listen to him talk under low light.  

There is a certain romance i think this generation and myself included will never feel. A part of the courtship process
that i now lost now that we can access somebody all the time and whenever we need to or feel lonely and detached. It must
have been amazing to know that each time you saw someone, each time you arranged in advance to meet up that that would be
the only time you see their face. Only time you can take in the presence and be together, yes you can call them and talk
you certainly cant call them any hour of the day at the drop of a hat to see whats happening. You can’t follow them around to
see if they talking to another person or take in every step they take and over analyze it.
instead you just must have had to trust it and hope that when you left them on that day that they were thinking about you
just as much as you were them and that hopefully they call that number you gave them.
Real romance and real trust. It seems to me that it would have been nice to have just fallen for someone so organically.
to have really taken in each moment you had with them because once its over you can’t stare into those eyes again.

It’s a feeling we rarely if ever have now, when was the last time you looked into someones eyes and just took it in.
Just allowed the gorgeous feeling of falling in love take over for you don’t know exactly when you’ll see them again?

My tip for the week, Leave that person alone online. that girl or that boy you’ve been talking to, take them somewhere and
share something with them that they can only get from you then and their in the moment. Look at them like you don’t know
when you’re going to see them next.

Don’t let others hold you back, regardless to how much you want them to be the weight at your ankle keeping you within familiarity. 

20/40

Everyone around me is turning twenty. 
Everyone around me is freaking out and acting as if this is it. 

It seems quite obvious to most that turning twenty is not the end of the world and yet the 20th birthday still remains as this looming date that many fear as it signals the ever approaching face first shove to the pavement that is adulthood .

People wan’t to find someone the second they turn twenty and make sure they are the one regardless to whether or not they are, sometimes its the opposite. People go on this lustful rampage as a way to secure in the mind and heart that they haven’t wasted their youth somehow by not thrusting their awkward youthful and neglected bodies into anything that moves. People get ansty about where they work or about what they are studying, is it right? where will it take me? Is this really what I want to do for the rest of my life? 

Guilt sets in about every “bad” decision ever made and people begin to long for their supposed lost youth that only happen a few years before, they either try to recapture moments by reuniting the ol’ gang or attempt to forge a new stronger group of cronies out of the other awkward and lost twenty somethings that surround them. 
Most end up in a small pack of their own kind, all there for the wrong reasons and all wishing they could go back to how things used to be.

People fear that the second you turn twenty you have to put your work shoes on and set off to blaze a trail that is meant to be your adult life. This is as utterly stupid as it sounds. You are only twenty.

Turning twenty is scary. It does make you think about what you are doing and whether anything you’ve ever done has amounted to anything but that shouldn’t get you down. It does make you think about whether you want to dedicate your love to a single person or to a burning desire or passion, It does put you on the edge about whether or not you fucked up oppotunites and whether you will ever feel the way you did the first time you woke up to next to someone you “loved”

Regardless to whether your youth was wonderful and fading or wasted and never to be created turning twenty is an amazing thing though. Youth doesn’t need to be lost nor does it have to be looked back through rose colored glasses, twenty is a time that you can finally grow into yourself and find out who you really are. Don’t think about work or whether or not you are going to die alone or marry for a second time at 40 if you don’t settle down now with a nice boy with a plan for the future. Just go live and discover who you are, talk to every person you bump into, eat food you’ve never before, go places you wouldn’t, cut your hair, follow up on every idea you have and get lost in your youth and the culture that you are entitled to.

I see it like evolution. Why would an mammal look back on the days of being a strange and half developed amphibian?

Everything has the potential to evolve and you shouldn’t limited yourself to any stage of that process.